BMW Drivers Are Still Cocks

Jeremy Clarkson has been saying on Top Gear for a while now that cocks only drive Audis instead of BMWs these days but I’m pretty sure there are still plenty more BMW drivers who are arseholes. As I may have mentioned once or twice already, I travel a lot for work. This inevitably involves a lot of driving, and I often find myself cursing BMW drivers. But after thinking about it while stuck in traffic somewhere between Reading and Newport just after the New Year I decided to test whether it was my own prejudice and I tended to ignore cock-ish behaviour from other drivers or if those in BMWs really do more stupid things.

At this point I should probably point out that I am aware that there almost certainly are careful and considerate BMW drivers out there, but for the purposes of this experiment and comedic value I’m making the sweeping generalisation that they are all cocks. I have several friends and work colleagues that drive BMWs and while in real life they are pleasant and entertaining people to be around as soon as they get behind that steering wheel something happens that turns them into arrogant, selfish and idiotic wankers. To be fair, I know a couple of people with Audis as well and occasionally the same thing happens.

So it was I decided to carry out a survey throughout February. From when I woke up on the 1st February to when I went to bed on the 28th, whenever I was driving and saw cock-ish behaviour I made a note of it and if it was a BMW, an Audi or an ‘Other’ kind of car. Cock-ish behaviour was defined as anything that made me wince, suck breath in over my teeth, mutter to myself, swear out loud or yell abuse at the windscreen. This included, but was not limited to:

  • Tailgating
  • Blindly pulling out of side roads without waiting for a gap in traffic
  • Using the wrong lane and then cutting in to jump queues at traffic lights
  • Using the wrong lane on roundabouts for the same reason
  • Ignoring road markings such as box junctions and blocking the road
  • General impatience and lack of regard for other road-users

And here is the result:

The Results

So out of a total of 66 incidents of cock-ish behaviour, 13 were by BMW drivers, 8 by Audi drivers and 45 by everyone else. Which means 20% of all the times I though someone was being a cock it was a BMW driver compared to 12% being Audi drivers so I think that proves ol’ JC wrong and me right.

To make it even more obvious, I made a chart:

Percentages of Cock-ish Behaviour

So as we can see, between them drivers of certain German cars accounted for pretty much a third of all the cock-ish behaviour I saw through February but between the two most of it still came from BMWs.

Over the course of the 28 days in the February I drove in the region of 1570 miles and saw 66 incidents of cock-ish behaviour. In total this works out as 2.36 incidents per day or 1 incident every 23.79 miles. For incidents by Audi drivers these figures are 0.29 incidents per day or 1 incident every 196.25 miles. For BMW drivers they are 0.46 incidents per day or 1 incident every 120.77 miles. Everyone else clocks in at 1.61 incidents per day or 1 incident every 34.89 miles. So from a purely statistical point of view I can expect to swear at 2 people a day and there’s a good chance that every other day one of them is going to be a BMW driver, compared to an Audi driver once every 3 days.

I’m aware that this survey is probably deeply flawed. It might not be quite fair to single out Audi and BMW drivers while I lump everybody else in together. To get a true distribution of what cars are most likely to be driven by cocks I would have to take into account every make of car that is on the road and the proportion each make has of the total number of cars in the country so the numbers are not skewed. For instance if I was to count Fords or Vauxhalls I would expect to see more incidents of cock-ish behaviour just because there are more of them on the road. But the point of the comparison I was trying to make was how many times I thought a BMW or an Audi driver was being a cock and if I was right in thinking it would be BMWs more often. This is not to say that Audi drivers are not cocks, between them they make up a third of all the cock-ish behaviour I saw remember, it’s just that Audi drivers are not as big cocks as BMW drivers are.

I think my figures are pretty conclusive. I’m right and Top Gear is wrong, I’ve proved it scientifically and have the numbers to back my claims up. So there.

Of course it could be that all this really proves is I don’t have quite enough to occupy my mind outside of work and my time and energy would be better spent trying to find myself a girlfriend…

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