I’ve been slack haven’t I? No posts since the beginning of April. My only excuse is that things have been a bit of a whirlwind since then and unfortunately blog-writing has slipped down the list of priorities, but I’m making an effort to correct that now things seem to be calming down again.
With that in mind I thought I’d ease myself back in with something fun and light-hearted: a drinking game. And with the football season coming to a close, what better way to finish it off than a drinking game based on Soccer Saturday?
Soccer Saturday (if you don’t know) is a show that’s broadcast on Sky Sports News every Saturday afternoon of the football season. It is hosted by Jeff Stelling, statistician-in-chief and ringmaster to the rest of the clowns. Joining him are four pundits, all of them ex-players, who watch a specific game each through the afternoon and are there to provide live updates and commentary as events unfold. Usually these pundits are Matt Le Tissier, Paul Merson, Phil Thompson and Charlie Nicholas. There is also a videprinter news feed running constantly on the screen giving updates of goals, scorers, and incidents such as bookings and sending-offs from every professional game being played across the country and roving reporters at various matches, again usually ex-players, (Chris Kamara being the most celebrated for his colourful metaphors and “UNBEEEEE-LIIIEEEVABLE!!” catchphrase) . For some reason the chemistry and banter between the pundits and Stelling’s seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of the game makes it compulsive viewing and it was almost inevitable that a drinking game based on it would emerge eventually.
It is a foolish game with dire consequences only played by idiot alcoholics. Here are the rules:
Everyone playing is required to wear their team shirt or colours. If a player supports no particular team they must pick a Premiership or Championship team from a hat. It is permissable to limit the drinking when a goal is scored rule to only Premiership and Championship games (trust me, it gets very out of hand otherwise) but the rest of the rules apply to all leagues shown on the Soccer Saturday news feed between 3.00pm and 5.00pm
When a goal is scored – Everyone drinks two fingers
A player is sent off – Everyone drinks two fingers
Whenever Chris Kamara is onscreen – Everyone must be drinking
Whenever Paul Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (“He’s hit the beans on toast!”) – Everyone drinks six fingers
Whenever Phil Thompson says “Stevie Gerrard” – Everyone drinks six fingers
Whenever Jeff says “There’s been a goal at… But which way has it gone?” – Everyone guesses which team has scored. Anyone who guesses incorrectly or doesn’t guess in time drinks four fingers
Whenever your team scores – Drink an extra four fingers
Whenever Jeff says “They’ll be dancing in the streets of…” – Everyone drinks four fingers
STRICTLY no drinking at half-time – Half-time is a break in proceedings as it is in football. Use it to smoke, eat, relieve yourself or any of the other things you would not be able to do if you were on a football pitch. Anyone caught drinking during half-time will be severely punished once the second half begins
When someone claims to have seen a “Goal of the Season contender” – Everyone drinks two fingers
Whenever Jeff says “It’s doom and gloom at…” – Everyone drinks four fingers
Whenever Robbie Savage or Craig Bellamy are mentioned or appear on the videprinter – Everyone must shout “TWAT!” (or similar) at the screen. The last one to do so drinks four fingers
Whenever a pundit shouts off-screen – Everyone drinks two fingers
Whenever Jeff says “There’s no question” – Everyone drinks two fingers
Whenever Paul Merson mis-pronounces a player’s name – Everyone drinks four fingers
Whenever Chris Kamara says “Unbelievable!!” – Finish your drinks!
For the purposes of this game a ‘finger’ of drink can be interpreted as a mouthful. If you use standard finger or shot measures things will go very wrong very quickly. I would also suggest having a hearty breakfast and\or lunch to line your stomach and try to avoid drinking before the 3.00pm kick off.
Whatever you do, do not, DO NOT, DO. NOT. arrange to play this game with a load of your mates for your birthday and then instead of eating lunch go out and drink five pints of Kronenbourg with your dad before starting. It will end badly.
Just so we’re clear, I share this information in the name of fun only. If you are daft enough to decide to play this game, on your head be it! I take no responsibility for any of your actions, reactions, blackouts, stomach pumps or poor sexual choices that may result as a consequence of your participation.